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Why it's important to look deeper

November 11, 2019

I’ve been gutting a caravan for the past few weeks.
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It belonged to my in laws and is 60 years old, and as it’s no longer in use after our eldest moved on, I asked their permission to renovate it into a home office space.
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So I’ve been chipping away bits at a time.
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I’d asked my husband for help a few times to which he avoided responding to in true PDA fashion.
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I just got on with it, we have an acceptance based understanding of each other in our family and I decided to put it aside and explore further when the time was right.
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I began to think it was really odd that he wasn’t interested in seeing the progress of the van, how it looked and how it was changing.
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Instead, he started suggesting plans for us to renovate the van in order to travel.
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I was baffled.
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Why was he attempting to exercise some form of control now?
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How did he not know my plans for the van?
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How the hell were we going to travel in it?
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And then began his storing of useless items from the van as I was throwing them away.
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In fact, I’ve been having such a great time channeling my ADHD that I’d overlooked there might be more to it for him.
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And so I asked.
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Turns out it’s difficult for him to see what’s happening because it’s painful; sad.
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This caravan was his childhood vessel for family holidays, trips to Warrnambool, fights with his brothers, many, many memories.
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Once I knew this, the behaviour made sense.
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Had I only paid attention to the behaviour, I would’ve seen a person taking useless things with no good reason, someone not willing to help (maybe even lazy or selfish) and someone who wasn’t interested in my projects.
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I may have taken it all very personally.
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Outside of those labels and those assumptions based on behaviour is a gentle, kind and wonderful man who hurts inside to see a structure that represents so much more than I’d imagined being changed.
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Being gutted.
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It’s so important to look deeper, not just in children but in adults as well.
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When outside may show chaos and confusion, inside may be filled with deep and rich emotional experiences.
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❤️

 

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