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© 2023 by inTune Pathways 

ABN 78 435 698 441

The experience of being

October 29, 2019

Waiting in the seating area at the airport I realise

Just how different I am

To have this experience of being

And no adequate language to express it

Headphones on

Binaural sounds to relieve my migraine

I forget for a moment where I am

Until I open my eyes and remove my headphones

And there it is

Being on the outside looking in

Like a moving scene

Nothing feels or seems real

All of us actors in one long scene

Playing parts

Behaving appropriately

People

Bodies

Sounds of chatter

Laughter

Their buzzing energy

The chaos of human essence

Like a mixing bowl of ingredients

Different smells, sounds, textures

Coming together to create something

That makes no sense to me

How easily we sit amongst each other

Not knowing about one another

Knowing we may never meet again

Opportunities pass

I want to know

I want to know it all

Their trauma

Their joy

Their highs and lows

I want to study their faces

After all

Their energy is imposed on me in a sense

I scope their body language

How are they so unperturbed in such an environment?

People say we autistics don’t understand people

That we avoid people

But we long to know others

Authentically; deeply

Not in the way most people prefer to coexist

And here I sit

Since a little girl

Writing and writing

Always writing

Analysing people

The human condition

Writing it all down

Organising my thoughts and feelings

My senses

Writing it all

And now, 40 years old

Sitting amongst others

Strangers

Writing it all down

Whilst they natter about the cakes from the cafe

The coffee, bitter and cold

This is how they connect

And I’d rather be on the outside looking in

Unable to tolerate the natter

Longing for the deep; the authentic.

 

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