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© 2023 by inTune Pathways 

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Sharing thoughts and feelings

October 17, 2019

“Not everybody feels the need to share their every thought and feeling, Kristy”

He said.

I felt a surge of anger.

“No. They don’t. But I do. And I will always be that way.”

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Does the beloved autistic person in your life output a lot?

Do they share their every thought, feeling, experience, morsel of curiosity?

There is often a reason for that.

For me, I spent the majority of my younger life not sharing.

Never asking questions, not sharing my feelings

Too afraid of saying the wrong thing

Upsetting someone

Being accused of being inflammatory or provocative

But actually not having a clue what was going on

Having people angry with me

Disappointed in me

Not being able to understand

And then being surrounded by people who

Actually believed I was

Crafty

Cunning

Underhanded

Knew exactly what I was saying and doing.

But I didn’t.

I was clueless.

Most autistic people are transparent

Genuine

Honest

Authentic

We say what we mean

We mean what we say

And we learn after some time

That this is, in fact

Not the way the entire world works.

Many of us learn to shut down

Say nothing

Do not speak

Do not provoke

And after some time

This made me ill.

Secrets.

So many of them

Thoughts

Huge feelings

Little capacity to deal with them

Or understand them

Because my feedback was missing

Whether we talk TO you

Or AT you

Is irrelevant

Society’s perception

Of our social skills

Is irrelevant

Many autistic children

Trained not to talk

Too much

Ask

Too many questions

Not share

Too much about their interests

“For God’s sake, Kristy..

Will you give it a rest?”

And so

I learnt to shut down

Drink

Self medicate

And then become reliant on

Synthetic feelings

Uppers

And

Downers

Internalised perceptions

The views of others

Self harming

To release

Autistic children

Are seeking feedback

Autistic people

Are seeking feedback

“Help me understand my feelings”

“Help me understand my thoughts”

“See me”

“Hear me”

“Love me”

“Validate me”

“Am I worthy?”

“Am I okay?”

Our output is our version of

Antennae

For the development of our self worth

Our self acceptance

So yes.

I do feel compelled to share

Every thought

Every feeling

Every experience

For the truth is

We are only as

Unwell

As the secrets we keep.
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Kristy Forbes
inTune Pathways
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Image: Rush Island Photography

 

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