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© 2023 by inTune Pathways 

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All of us would do better if we were able to

October 17, 2019

 

We are so quick to decide that a person does differently due to choice.
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That they don't work, don't socialise, don't behave a particular way because they choose it.
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Children's brains aren't even wired to be able to access the insight required to prevent themselves from engaging in activities that will get them into trouble due to thinking about the consequences first until they're at least six years old.
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Not even kidding.
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But we have these expectations that children will behave in such a way that is always appropriate and acceptable and if they don't, then they're choosing that behaviour.
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We're encouraged to give children choices around their most vulnerable moments too.
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"Stop that behaviour now, or you'll spend time in your room, washing dishes, in the naughty corner, etc".
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We seldom stop to consider that this behaviour is a communication.
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I'm not okay. I need help. I need calm. I need understanding, patience, guidance, acceptance, space, time, love.
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Our conditioning as the adults is to meet them with disapproval, scolding, and a complete dismissal of anything beyond the behaviour.
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And the behaviour is just the cover, the presentation, the clue, the signal.
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The issue with being behaviour focused is that two children can display the same behaviours that underneath the surface mean completely different things.
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And let's not forget adults.
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There are television programs dedicated to catching out people who don't fit into the norms of society, who don't work, who don't pay their bills or rent, who live with addiction.
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And we shame them. We scold them. We disapprove of them.
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We parade them as examples of what not to do in order to fit in.
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We punish them. We judge them.
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And, we decide that they choose their struggles.
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We decide that they 'won't' work, rather than they 'cannot' work.
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And unless they have some form of paperwork to prove this is the case, we reject their stories and stick to the ones we make up.
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We are behaviour focused.
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We dismiss the person, their story, their background, their generational trauma, their neurology, their self beliefs, their narratives.
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Sometimes, we even instantly reject a person based on their gender, culture, colour, neurodivergence, simply because another person who shares their identity or culture has behaved in a certain way.
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Or because we don't relate to them, don't understand them and fear them.
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We don't choose our struggles.
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They are windows into our past, our trauma, our neurology, our disabilities.
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They are accumulative barriers that serve to protect, constructed by the brain and body.
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Often, we have no defence against them.
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And the harder we fight them, the harder they hold on.
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Our struggles can be doorways to a new freedom when we are understood, accepted and supported.
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But we don't need to understand a person to accept them or to support them.
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Love is unconditional.
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It does not judge or disapprove of difference.
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Love is unconditional acceptance.
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It is a moving forward from focusing on behaviour and connecting with the heart of who a person is.
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For the truth is,
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All of us would do better if we were able to.
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Kristy Forbes
inTune Pathways

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