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The Things I wish I'd Known

July 20, 2019

Oh the things I wish I’d known.

My youngest and my eldest..

I was all of 19 when I became a parent

I relished in mothering

Relaxed, 

not bothered by much

Not knowing what to be bothered by, 

If anything.

She was anxious like me

Had phobias like me

Behaved like me

Thought and felt like me.

We dreamt the same things

Observed the same things

All the same things

I had seen throughout our lineage.

Intelligence, 

Anxiety,

Creativity,

A strong presence

A strong will.

A strong sense of justice

Confusion around the actions and motivations of others.

If only I’d known.

I’d have done so differently.

My expectations would have been more aligned

With her purpose

My anxiety

Would have been less.

My acceptance of both her

And myself

Would have ‘been’.

Perhaps

I’d have felt less

Like I’d failed

That I was failing.

The commentary

The parenting courses

The books

The documentaries

The counselling..

If only I’d known.

I’d have done differently.

And I must forgive myself.

But it hurts.

To know that I didn’t know.

To know that 

Many parents

Don’t know.

That so many

Still don’t know

What autism is.

What it looks like.

What it sounds like.

What it feels like.

A way of being.

A difference.

A beauty.

A form of digging in the heels and shouting

“I will not change until I can trust”.

I’m so grateful for my children

And today I do differently.

Because today

I know.

We must extend the same compassion and understanding

To ourselves

As we do

Our children.

We cannot know

What we don’t know.

And when we do,

We do better.

Because we know better.

<3

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