Trigger warning: Suicidal ideology, Self Harm.
My greatest challenge, being autistic?
They can be brutal.
This is a post I’ve ummed and ahhed over for months now
Because it is really vulnerable.
I often have conversations with other autistic people who really struggle
And they ask me why I seem to have it together,
Why I don’t appear to be struggling?
And here’s the truth..
Most people see that side of me because I structure my life around
A horrific, debilitating, crippling, life threatening
It impacts my life for three weeks out of every month.
That means that for one week out of every month,
I am well.
I am happy.
I am balanced.
I am me.
It began when I was 12 and I am now almost 40.
It took me until my late 20s to be diagnosed
And although there are a few treatment options,
Their effectiveness varies from person to person.
It begins by disturbing my sleep.
Causes nightmares and night terrors.
Has, in the past, caused me to harm myself.
It makes it’s arrival known by feeding me rubbish thoughts
That are so far removed from how I normally think and feel.
It tells me I am no good, worthless, a useless Mother
It tells me that life for everybody else would be far better
If mine ended.
I hate even writing about it,
Because it is the polar opposite of who I am, what I think and how I feel.
It causes me to rage.
It causes me to cry, endlessly.
It causes me to want to run away.
And on some occasions,
It reduces me to suicidal ideation.
When it comes,
I can’t think.
My brain is foggy, my thoughts jumbled
And I cannot access memory or language correctly.
My sensory processing disorder is intensified by it
And I spend days on end walking around
I am easily triggered by sounds
And cannot be touched.
It sucks the life from me
My passions, my feeling.
It takes away my ability to connect with others
And replaces my livelihood
It unbalances my blood sugars
Leaves me shaking and anxious
Causes me to completely withdraw.
Within two-three weeks of it’s arrival,
But what it leaves behind is utter destruction.
Hurt people, sharp words
Migraines and nausea
The aftermath of having
It’s called PMDD.
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.
It is a severe form of PMS and largely effects
Females on the autism spectrum.
It is treated by the following:
Drugs to completely stop the menstrual cycle
Avoiding certain foods, exercise, etc
Particular contraceptive pills
Particular vitamins and minerals, and/or natural therapies
Or a complete radical hysterectomy.
It is by the far the most horrific, terrifying, volatile
Condition I have ever lived with.
After trialling many unsuccessful treatments,
I am left to hide myself away
While I am Hyde
And resurface when I am Jeckyll.
I have been repeatedly refused a radical hysterectomy
Due to my age being that of childbearing
Despite having four children.
And so I am not even permitted the right
To make choices about my own body.
As much as I don’t want to write about this
I want the information out there.
If you are an autistic woman
Who relates to any of the characteristics I have mentioned
You are not alone.
This is not just PMS.
PMDD is a classified depressive disorder
In the DSMV.
It is caused by a particular part of our brain
Responding differently to our hormonal structure and changes.
It is also common amongst women
Who have experienced Postnatal Depression.
Please, explore your symptoms further.
Ask for help, try treatments and implement self care
As best as you can.
You are not alone.
❤ ❤ ❤
For further information: