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PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder)

July 20, 2019

Trigger warning: Suicidal ideology, Self Harm.
My greatest challenge, being autistic?

Co-occuring conditions.

They can be brutal.

This is a post I’ve ummed and ahhed over for months now

Because it is really vulnerable.

I often have conversations with other autistic people who really struggle

And they ask me why I seem to have it together,

Why I don’t appear to be struggling?

And here’s the truth..

Most people see that side of me because I structure my life around

A horrific, debilitating, crippling, life threatening


It impacts my life for three weeks out of every month.

That means that for one week out of every month, 

I am well.

I am happy.

I am balanced.

I am me.

It began when I was 12 and I am now almost 40.

It took me until my late 20s to be diagnosed

And although there are a few treatment options,

Their effectiveness varies from person to person.

It begins by disturbing my sleep.

Causes nightmares and night terrors.

Has, in the past, caused me to harm myself.

It makes it’s arrival known by feeding me rubbish thoughts

That are so far removed from how I normally think and feel.

It tells me I am no good, worthless, a useless Mother

It tells me that life for everybody else would be far better

If mine ended.

I hate even writing about it, 

Because it is the polar opposite of who I am, what I think and how I feel.

It causes me to rage.

It causes me to cry, endlessly.

It causes me to want to run away.

And on some occasions, 

It reduces me to suicidal ideation.

When it comes,

I can’t think.

My brain is foggy, my thoughts jumbled

And I cannot access memory or language correctly.

My sensory processing disorder is intensified by it

And I spend days on end walking around

Wearing headphones.

I am easily triggered by sounds

And cannot be touched.

It sucks the life from me

My passions, my feeling.

It takes away my ability to connect with others

And replaces my livelihood

With apathy.

It unbalances my blood sugars

Leaves me shaking and anxious

Causes me to completely withdraw.

And then, 

Within two-three weeks of it’s arrival,

It leaves.

But what it leaves behind is utter destruction.

Sometimes trauma.

Hurt people, sharp words

Migraines and nausea

The aftermath of having

Severe meltdowns

If triggered.

It’s called PMDD.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

It is a severe form of PMS and largely effects

Females on the autism spectrum.

It is treated by the following:


Drugs to completely stop the menstrual cycle

Avoiding certain foods, exercise, etc

Particular contraceptive pills

Particular vitamins and minerals, and/or natural therapies

Or a complete radical hysterectomy.

It is by the far the most horrific, terrifying, volatile 

Condition I have ever lived with.

After trialling many unsuccessful treatments,

I am left to hide myself away

While I am Hyde

And resurface when I am Jeckyll.

I have been repeatedly refused a radical hysterectomy

Due to my age being that of childbearing

Despite having four children.

And so I am not even permitted the right

To make choices about my own body.

As much as I don’t want to write about this

I want the information out there.

If you are an autistic woman

Who relates to any of the characteristics I have mentioned

You are not alone.

This is not just PMS.

PMDD is a classified depressive disorder

In the DSMV.

It is caused by a particular part of our brain

Responding differently to our hormonal structure and changes.

It is also common amongst women

Who have experienced Postnatal Depression.

Please, explore your symptoms further.

Ask for help, try treatments and implement self care

As best as you can.

You are not alone.

❤ ❤ ❤

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