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Overthinking

October 25, 2018

 

 

Overthinking.
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It isn’t really. Only when compared to non autistic thinking and I’m not non autistic.
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I’m autistic.
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So my brain does this thing. It goes over, scans, analyses, critiques, assesses, categorises, arranges, corrects, defines and processes people, places and things.
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For thirty three years I heard “Wow, you think so much and so deeply about things”. 
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And so I analysed my analysis.
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I tried to fix and change it.
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I had a lot of shame around it, felt stupid and ridiculous for my overthinking.
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And guess what?
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Nothing I did changed it. In fact, it just added to all the things my brain needed to analyse and process.
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At 33, when I was diagnosed as autistic, everything changed.
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“Ohhhhhh. That’s why I do this!”.
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My brain is a well oiled machine, capable of deconstructing problems and finding solutions that non autistic brains can’t.
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How lucky am I?
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The constant analysis can be challenging, however I don’t have a defence against it and so acceptance helps.
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I can’t fight what is. 
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I let my brain run it’s course. And I don’t add extra pressure to the situation by telling myself to “Get over it, move on, lighten up, live in the moment”.
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Sometimes my brain will go over things for days, weeks, months and in some cases, years. Particularly painful events.
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This is how my brain works in my favour, to process a person, place or thing so that I can come to terms with it or understand it.
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It isn’t a conscious choice, to analyse.
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It’s a brain type. A neurodiversity.
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Autism.
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I accept myself and all the parts of autism that I am gifted with.
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Because there are many autistic characteristics that while maybe painful for us, also bring an abundance of tools and gifts.
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I love and embrace my autistic brain.
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