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© 2023 by inTune Pathways 

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What if I just surrender?

November 22, 2018

..and I asked myself..

"What if I just surrender?"
.
..surrender the anger, the resentment, the feeling that my life had been taken from me, that my child would forever suffer.
.
...surrender the fear, the shame, the darkness...
.
Boy was I mad..
.
I would plan out in my mind over and over, the long and public letter I would write to the adult autistic community about how and why they were wrong..
.
How they weren't my child.
.
How only "I" could truly understand my child, how only "I" could relate to her.
.
I felt so hard done by. .
"THIS IS FUCKING HARD!"
.
And then one day, while I was typing away at the keys with profuse, intense, passionate anger, refuting autism..refuting anything that made it okay..
.
Someone said it.
.
"Autism is genetic Kristy. And to be honest, your child probably inherited her autism from you. You're probably autistic."
.
And as much as I would have expected to refute THAT more than anything else..
.
For the first time, I felt HOPE.
.
"Woah. This thing I carry with me, inside of me, might have a name? Might be a thing?"
.
It took a few more years, and a lot more convincing, and many more moments of realisation..
.
Two assessments and two diagnoses..
.
And I joined the very community I had hated and fought against for the first precious years of my child's life.
.
A process of undoing.
.
Undoing hate, fear, anger, resentment, darkness, hostility, self hate, self rejection, a sense of being a victim, a lack of hope for the future..
.
A process of letting go.
.
Letting go of the need to be approved of, liked, understood, accepted.
.
A lifetime of undoing. .
And then my real life began.
.
Just the way it was supposed to..
.
And there was my community..
.
Available to me all that time..
.
I was free.
.
Free of the same fears I carried with me all of my life.
.
Free of the need to be approved of, liked, understood, accepted.
.
And gifted. Gifted with self approval, self love, self understanding and..
.
Self acceptance.
.
.
I allow autism to lead me, to guide me, to change me, to transform me..
.
As a person, as a mother, as a being.
.
I am awake. I am connected.
.
. <3

 

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