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© 2023 by inTune Pathways 

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I will Never Know True Happiness Again..

October 19, 2018

 

 

"I will never know true happiness again", I said through heavy sobs to my husband.
.
I was referring to the discovery that our little girl was autistic.
.
I'd seen the stories, heard them, thanked the universe that wasn't me. I wasn't that Mother. I'd never cope.
And I never allowed myself to think about it for more than a second anyway.
.
"Not my story", I'd think.
.
And here I was.
.
Such pain I thought I'd die.
.
Felt I couldn't breathe & prayed I'd wake & it'd all be a nightmare.
.
I spent a lot of time in bed, crying.
.
And yet I poignantly remember that moment where calm washed over me & I knew I would kick arse.
.
But I ignored it. I didn't want it.
.
"I do NOT want this life" I said to whoever was listening.
.
"I don't care what good might come of it, I do NOT want this".
.
And here's the truth..
.
I'd never really known true happiness anyway.
.
I was lost, wandering the planet, searching. Always seeking to know who I was, where I fit.
.
Doing all the things. The adult things. Miserable.
.
And now, six years on from that night I lay sobbing,
please hear this..
.
Don't you dare buy into that narrative.
.
Don't you dare think you're failing or that you don't have whatever this might take.
.
Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it's lonely.
.
Forget life as you knew it.
.
Trust me, it was shit anyway compared to what this journey will gift you, if you let it.
.
I have NEVER known myself like this.
.
I have NEVER liked myself like this.
.
I have NEVER felt aligned like this.
.
I have NEVER known TRUE HAPPINESS like this.
.
I thank the universe EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. that AUTISM is a part of my life.
.
It always was. I'd never known it until my beautiful children chose me.
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I promise you this..
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If you surrender, if you give up the resistance & accept and embrace yourself, your child, AUTISM..
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You will NEVER be the same again.
.
In all the most miraculous, beautiful, undignified, challenging, heart wrenching, soul filtering, life giving, people weeding, bullshit stripping ways.
.
Thank you, my beautiful children..for transforming me.
.
For all the days I laugh until I can't breathe..
.
And all the days I cry until I can't breathe.
.
I would never give this up.
.

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