Perfectionism is Debilitating
Updated: Feb 25
“None of this matters, you know” My uni lecturer said. On the phone to me Asking why I hadn’t shown for my exam. I gave her all the reasons. And she was right. I knew then That none of it mattered. The perfectionism. It was stifling. So much of my life I didn’t show up for Because I knew it wouldn’t Be perfect. My brain wants everything To be perfect. It seeks out patterns, Formations, Numbers, Rituals, Routines, And where there isn’t method Structure Familiarity It goes to work Attempting to create it. Perfection. But the body can’t be perfect. Nor could my skin My hair My life. So my brain set out To control the elements it could To work toward Perfection. Counting calories Carbs Kilos Cutting my hair Buying new clothes And then when all else failed I did nothing. Because doing nothing Is what perfectionists do When they’re afraid Of imperfection. We don’t try. We don’t show up to exams. We stop cleaning. We bathe in self loathing. We seek control in new areas. As young autistic children We often avoid attempting anything We can’t guarantee we won’t do Perfectly. Perfectionism is joked about But the reality is Perfectionism is painful. Debilitating. A form of anxiety. And once I knew About how my brain works I was able to begin working WITH it And not against it. My autistic brain Does not seek to harm me. It only seeks to be fed. Patterns, familiarity, control, safety. . . . Kristy Forbes inTune Pathways . . Artist: Mercura NYC.